Your Sound

I can feel and sense your voice in its laughter. It makes me glad your around. You’re the most recent, the freshest, the most needed. I am accepted, however, never as I would like. I learn to cope after a time, learn that to be near you will suffice. Wishing you were more does none but taunt so I must move on before I dig myself yet another hole in the garden of my life. I teach myself to accept. I am getting used to your sound.

I left my room today for the spirit that is you. Just knowing that you will be waiting, as a friend, as an ally in this world that beats against its children. I like to know that you will defend me, I just wish there were other reasons why.

There are those who wish to corrupt me, and there are those who see me not, and then there are those that befriend me yet are only available to the rest it seems. Yes I know that I help not in these situations. I push away, or I assume that nothing will come. Truth is, my deepest fear is to be alone, and to cope I make it hard because I am afraid of being dropped. But in essence I am just setting myself up for staying alone on the table.

I have no graceful words today. I will lose my chance if I have not already and I will move on to another. While still holding you. Friends through eternity. Forever used to your sound. If I weren’t who I am the effect this would have on me would be easer to carry. For me being me means that I seem to use my imagination to play out goals, discussions and history. I alter it a million times over and use it to cope. Knowing just as well that it never will occur.

I’m cold in my life, I’m mad at myself. Forever an argument I am. Getting lost in a crowd is my trademark as I loose my tears on unsuspecting victims. Having a complete thought is harder and harder. Nothing is wrong yet everything too.

All of it is due to me.

I have no graceful words today, as I leave my room for none other than your soul.

Glad for your friendly defense.

Learning to accept.

I am getting used to your sound.

Too bad nobody lets me know they hear mine.

About me part one

Finally, I wrote, in pencil, some nice amounts of words for a science test, and I did so without pain. It was a glorious feeling, number one it didn’t hurt, number two I knew the answers enough to be able to write what I did.

By the way, I have carpel tunnel syndrome. Or some such other nonsense that means I have the same symptoms… According to the LAST doctor that I went to my right wrist does not have it and my left has only border line case. He only checked my wrists (what carpel tunnel is) but didn’t check for any other pinched nerves anywhere else so I believe, with my symptoms and pain and tingling etc that I have more nerves pinched but elsewhere. I need to get in to see a chiropractor. I got cortisone shots in my wrists… come to find out they relax muscle… okay fine, destroy your immune system temporarily (why I got deathly ill and am just getting over it now, a week later) and it atrophy’s connective tissue… Which made the tingling go away (because all the tension on the nerves) however, now my wrist bones keep popping all out and around where they should be. -shrugs- typing on the comp is still relatively painless so long as I keep the keyboard flat, or slightly downward towards the screen.

Okay, well that’s all you get for today, I’m going to write for me now. Ttyl and I hope to see you back!

Through a Thought

I thought It was done,
I thought It moved out,
I thought I knew what I thought.

It always comes creeping,
It always comes steady,
It always holds to me bittersweet.

It calls me,
I hear It so well.
Not a word or a gesture,
Just the simple truth of color.

Images play out in my mind,
Growing into stories.
But when It flows down,
My wrists betray me.
Just enough is loosed to taunt me,
Just enough to forget,
Just enough can be written,
For It to settle as hurt.

My body begins to shake with jovial inspiration,
My body then withers from the overload,
For none of It can exit without horrid substitution.

If I work through the pain,
Another emotional hindrance will follow,
Thoughts of the future are no longer how they should be,
Things of completion no longer,
But things of the end.

I thought It was fine,
I thought It would work,
I wish I knew through my thought.