Letting Go

"Nothing will ever change if you don't communicate," he said as the small red car drove down the mostly deserted road. I was sitting on my hands out of nervous habit, and him being who he was actually noticed. I didn’t say anything, I was concentrating too hard on steadily bringing my hands into my lap and holding them there. "I can drive for hours," he responded.

Glancing at his dashboard I replied, "no you can't. The car only has a few more miles before it is out of gas," I inclined my head so as to point without using my hands. He was quiet a moment and as we drove by a closed gas station I said, "and it does look like I am not supposed to talk."

"Not true," he said, looking at me and wiggling his eyebrows asymmetrically, getting g me to giggle like always. Just then we hit another gas station, that’s what happens in a dense suburb, and he pulled into it.

As he was getting out of the car I said, “Well, I guess I will talk now that your out of the car.”

Shaking his head he pulls his wallet out of his pocket as he horridly shuts the door to keep the heat in. Animatedly lip talking away I went into a huge story about rabbits. Continuing the head shaking after he say me again he called out that he could not hear me. I told him I know in sign language and he raises an eyebrow in question before lifting his shoulders to block his neck from the gust of wind that just whipped through his vicinity.

After spending 38 dollars for approximately 300 miles of gas he got in the car and drove away. After a few looks and dígame’s he managed to get me to start to talk. Which of course consisted of about fifty, well, you see’s. Pulling onto my street and parking in front of my house he parks and looks at me. Not baring to have the ability to look at his person at all I look up and down the street and at the ceiling or the floor. “Okay, I’m going to go now,” I announce as I attempt to pull my heavy book bag from the back seat of his car. It gets stuck and I lean towards it laughing nervously. He nudges my hands aside and pulls the book bag out and sets it gently on my lap.

“You can leave if you want to, but there’s no growth if you don’t communicate.”

Following wigging in my seat and laughing a few hundred times I let go of the door handle and we both sigh. I find this hysterical and give into bouts of laughter. He watches me closely, the look on his face is completely nonjudgmental and it hurts to look at it so I immediately grow silent and look away, remembering my dilemma. “I am making this harder than it is and I don’t mean to do that.”

After much bringing up of other subjects I manage to announce to him that, “This is too terribly hard, so you cannot say a word till I’m done because otherwise I cannot get it all out. I know what I need to say, exactly what the sentence is, but I can not physically say the words, it’s my own personal defect,” even without having him in my view I know that he tensed because it is in his nature. Not being able to reply is an unusual occurrence for him, I have gained some pleasure in stopping him in his tracks, and occasionally getting him to blush from laughter. Either way to not be able to defend my honor from myself is distressing to him.

After much starting and stopping and attempting to just get one word out I say “It’s, Wow there you go I got a word out,” glancing at him I see him smile at me. As I look away I somehow exploded “its kinda like, cool! That was three words. Okay I’m never going to say it if I keep going off like this,” he nods. “remember you cant talk till I’m done or I cant use enough words to explain myself.”

Keeping his face blank of mostly everything but reassurance, oh how I envy his control, he nudges me to go on without moving a muscle.

“This has been an interesting week preceding this conversation, I don’t know if it is to set me up or to get me to truly think about it, but, like our conversation this morning, it is kinda like your situation with Sherise, only that I need to do the separating myself rather that you being the one who chooses it.”

I glance at him and he stays still.

“I have two ways I can choose a relationship,“ I inform him while I look down at my hands in the shape of a ‘V’, “Typically I can mentally choose the way a relationship goes,” I tilt my right hand to close against my left, pausing I think through what I am to say next, “however with you being you,” I open them again, “I can not mentally do that. Like I warned you I would, in the parking lot forever ago, I have grown quite attached. Not in the same ways as Sherise, but enough to have to choose to either make a commitment or to stand off.”

I sigh and think a moment and in a very timid voice he says, “I cant see you as much?”

“Not unless a commitment is made I cant handle it.”

“Amount of time or length of time?”

I consider for a moment, “I don’t know yet,” he shakes his head in affirmation and looks out the window.

“I like you too, and for me its more the length of time,” I shake my head and watch him while I sit on my hands again. “You are very mature to be able to decide this, not many recognize it.”

“I recognize a lot, defects and all,” I find the gear shift quite interesting.

“Don‘t say that, no one has defects, change it.”

“With all my defects.”

“No. Fine,” I look out of the window and hide a smile, “I have errors in my making.”

“Say ‘it is something I am working on changing,’”

“But im not its who I am,” we bickered on this a bit before he gave up.

I agree and find the gear shift quite interesting. “Well, what I don‘t,” I pause, not wanting to come off completely backwards. “Don‘t get me wrong in the least. I am happy for the you and Purity situation if it were to work out. It would gladden me that your happy, however I just don’t understand how she can know, for certain, from both God and yourself, that she can have you but not take you.”

“Yeah.”

“I obviously do not know her side of things but still.”

We theorized on that a moment, much like one of our typical conversations minus the jokes and then I told him, “See you later Mace,” and I started to open the car door.

“Hablaré contigo despues entonces, Kyrene.”

After figuring out what he said to me I dragged myself away and kept high spirits in knowing he cares, it is just not the right time. After yet another prayer he got a text in the morning, [It is something i am working on changing. There, lastnight i would of been lying, thats y i wouldnt say it. Thankyou.] Life works the way it does because it is supposed to, I just have to do all I can to make it worth living for everyone else.