It has come to my attention that second is not something that I should strive for. I have always been told “do the best that you can and come in at your top regardless of others” but now I’m being told that this is my game to live and whatever place I pick is the one I will get if i but wait for it. It seems a contridiction of terms to me. I “don’t deserve to be number two”. I wish I had enough stamina to do more than just believe that. I should act. At least thats what I'm told. It is amazing and condemning that humans have hearts big enough to feel two kinds of relief, a type of failure the need for escape and a contentment with placement all at once. And to throw in a lack of belief is an expediential crime. Frustration riddles me when I think of how small I really am and how light my burdens are. This is just a preparation of my bridge of accomplishments to get my past strife later, I just hope that I finally find the ability to understand the rules before it grows too late. I have so many joys about me it hurts that my heart wont let them in. I know what it does and I know what it should but no matter how hard I try I just seem to hurt myself in order to heal. Like bloodletting that is not the proper solution and I need to find an alternate rout. In 4 months I will have officially left my teens so I have plenty of years ahead of me but I feel as if anything past what my emotions can contemplate is too far to be worth waiting for. I know without a doubt the one thing that I want more than the entire world. If I had it I know that my fears would be replaced with ones that I cant wait to have. How will my darling do on their first day of school, what will I do to keep them strong enough to make the proper choices so I don’t have to fear for their decisions when they are out in the world, I just have to fear for how the world treats them. I want to have the fear of having a sick child and needing to decide on what I am going to give up so that they can have a Christmas they understand and appreciate.
I need to keep growing.
Being emergent is my favorite quality and I wish that I did not reach a plateau in my needs, I wish it were easer to sort than having to wait on the choices of others. "If you wish, act." Yeah well I'm trying, i just dont understand it yet. There are people at my back. And I am more than glad for their support. Without them I would not be here or I would be even more damaged than I am. I just wish I had enough self esteem to realize how wonderful I really have it. I’m like a rock, you throw me around and I can handle it. We all can. However if you get just the right amount of pressure in just the right place I split down the middle and into a few pieces. The pressure might not have been much but it was so precisely added that there is no way the devil cannot exist. I’ve broken in such a way I need time to understand my weak point so that I can defend it by changing myself. I just hope I will change, and not put on another mask. I hope I can do this in time to recognize the most important number one from the great people guarding my back so that I can invite him to walk astride me to face together the sharpest point of the adversary and conquer the world and be honored into eternal life and eternal salvation. I just hope I can find a number one that thinks of methe same. I cant make it as two. I cant accept that fate. I know I can choose to be Number one. I know I can choose the one that holds me at that point. Who has that respect ofr me. However, I just hope that I can trust myself enough to let the Lord guide me and make my life shed as much light on others so they can see their own runway while he lets me amble down mine.Maybe I will finally understand what I know rather than attempting to persuade myself with basic knowledge. Maybe I will be given the chance to remember the child I left behind in the name of preservation. Maybe i will finally believe that im beautiful. Only time will tell.
Thanx to all who love me be it from a simple one time antic to the feeling of need for my soul. I love through admoration all of those who enter my life for I know you’ve left at least a thumbprint in the smoke paper of my heart, if not whole handprints.
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